August 12, 2011

wyatt earp taught me a thing, or two

i made some big steps this week. forgiveness, in my opinion, is one of the hardest things in the world to do. to REALLY forgive someone, takes a lot of strength. majority of people don't really understand the concept and/or meaning of TRUE forgiveness. you just don't get it, until you actually do it & then you're like "ahhhh i get it. this what it is and it feels SO GOOD!" my definition is as follows: never forgetting, sincerely forgiving & embracing those that have caused the pain & suffering. what we don't realize is that by doing this we are releasing OURSELVES from self imprisonment. SHACKLES caused by our own confusion and bitterness. not a very fun ride to be on. almost always this is triggered by our perception of some sort of "backstabbing", or betrayal from a loved one. this is the lesson: we have to learn to really drink down that pride of ours. do your homework. go for that 5 mile, uphill run. put in the REAL, HARD work: all the blood, sweat & tears you've got! once you can attain this - only then will you find the key to your shackles. and let me tell you something; it will feel remarkable. a healthy relationship, whether it be a friend, lover or brother is painted vividly to me as a stunning, purple lace mink fox fur coat. whether vintage, or fresh & new it's priceless to you. you can build any sort of classic style with this coat alone, breaking necks and turning heads everywhere you go. it goes with ANYTHING.
when one of us decides to neglect that relationship, we are left with a: fashion statement suicide.
neglect [ni-glekt]: verb
1. to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard
2. to be remiss in the care or treatment of
now, there really isn't anything erotic or enticing about the word "neglect". even if you didn't know the meaning of it - i'd like to think that most human absorption upon hearing this word would be "sounds bad". i'd also like to believe that we live in a somewhat knowledgeable and educated society, and just choose to make poor decisions. maybe sometimes we just don't fully comprehend just how bad the outcome may be. my instinct tells me though that somewhere, deep down, we can feel that it isn't right. however, we move forward with our decisions anyways, full-throttle. we are a selfish, and judgmental society. we can't help it. we were born to be sinners. it's a choice we make. we live by the choices of our inner sinner as well as our honor-bearing hearts. talk about living in a home built on a VERY large spectrum. the scales can never be too heavy on one side; there must be balance. without proper balance, we become addicted to too much of one thing. eventually, almost always: we overdose. it's your real life dark humor. you can't even retrace your steps to figure this whole thing out. at this point, you're wishing you were hansel and/or gretel: leaving a trail of breadcrumbs to get yourself back. oh, fairy tails. sigh.
why is it we don't get IT until we LIVE IT? we're always the damsel in distress - never the brave warrior, or hero - like wyatt earp in the non-fictional, historical story. it's your life. your story. your CHOICE. this is your time to write something real. are you a cowboy or indian? a friend or foe? king or slave? rich or poor? will you walk into the light or burn in the dark? do you choose life, or death? 77 days of sobriety today, and i feel damn proud. "time to rise again & time to fly" is written all over the pages of my story, in my blood. a constant theme that will forever be embedded in my life. one i am proud to have earned. this is life. this is living. ♥

August 9, 2011

she walks the line

i hate the bugs & the bees. it's so true, all 8 different species of bees here in montana can sense fear. and the bugs, well they just feed off the "i'm annoyed energy" you continue to omit. but, i won't change and neither will they so we are learning to co-exist with one another. lady is hilarious to watch on the deck. she thrashes her body from left to right, front to back - like a shark in the water attacking it's prey - and she gets those sons of bitches buzzzin' all up in her grill. if only i liked extra protein in my diet, i could maybe do the same. mmmm - oh so yummy. gummie bees & bugs!
but seriously. i have been enlightened by how real cowboys do therapy. i can see myself finally taking the bandages off the deep wounds, exposing air to each one so they can finally close up. the source within me is dealing with every fear, addiction, loss, tragedy, struggle, pain, death, & loss of love. you name whatever crime scene from my past that you want; it has been brought to my attention with every sunrise or sunset. every day has become a different day of healing. one for each page, chapter, or book in my life. out here: you can saddle up on one of the horses and ride. this is one of my favorite forms of healing. i get my laughs by chasing after lady who is always doing something silly. running after the ranch turkey named gizmo. trying to keep up with mama deer and her two bambi, but slams her body into the electrical fence that keep the horses in. she was stunned for a good two days. and lastly, she learned her lesson about running up behind the beautiful black beauty, Midnight. getting bucked through the field made her my "rehabilitation companion" when recovering from surgery. you can get a fabulous tan on the hot days & listen to God do some of His best bowling on the cold and rainy day. hike and walk everyday to some of the most beautiful places in the WORLD. not to mention, unloading the barrel of a gun - no matter what size it is feels MUCH better than punching and/or screaming into a pillow. trust me. i've become addicted. i miss the city though, and am so looking forward to becoming "sleepless in seattle" next week. finally going to see my beautiful mama. it's a special occasion: the entire family will be there, including uncle jarrod. give me just one night on the town to get it all out of my system. i will be DYING to come back to terabithia after the hangover i have penciled in for us all in my day-timer. i feel like i've become a woman of the land. yes, this princess is rough doggin' it all day, everyday. they say there's a fine line between love & hate; and i walk the line here constantly. but it's in my nature. no matter where the wind blows me i will probably always walk the line, and at the very least tap my foot over it. because, well. i stand a firm believer in this statement: well behaved women rarely make history.