August 27, 2011

justice exalts a nation, so i demand to know: who's holding out on us?

i'm sick of talking, sharing, and even writing right now. maybe i will go on strike until people can really learn to accept the truth. speak the truth. hear the truth. but, then again, what would i have to strike against? my body? my lady? my family and friends? never. loyal is one thing i am. i guess i just don't have that much to put at stake. not anymore. not too long ago, i was full of contentment. but then that night happened, & it was ALL stripped from me. like a snake, it crept out my back door & waited to attack. when it did, i knew i'd be running through trenches & dodging bullets. i came to terms with it then. i wouldn't have much control for awhile nor the freedoms my heart desired. i would have to play the jailbird just so i could stay alive: in order for me to survive. been a damn gypsy for so long now, i became numb to it. in this present state: i feel EVERYTHING. so, all i have to share with you is a bit of my DELIVERANCE, and in ending... His words. i hope my desires pollute my heart and soul until i can't stand it any longer, leaving me with nothing but inspiration. until then, my passion sleeps in her casket. ALONE. in that deep very deep, dark grave. so FUCK IT. good night. sleep tight. i'm out son.

"Wisdom can remain silent in the discerning heart, but among fools she must make herself known. Justice exalts a nation, but sin is a people's disgrace. The king favors the skillful servant, but the shameless one incurs his wrath."
Proverbs 14: 33-35

August 23, 2011

lions, and tigers, and bears.. OH MY!

well, it was just a matter of time before i knew she would be at it again. she's a pistol. thanks mama nana for sending such a frisky & intriguing protector for me. for those of you that don't know; my beautiful lady bug was brought into this world the exact day that my mama nana left this life behind. but being the zesty red-headed beauty of ours that she was: Diana Gloria just wouldn't enter those gates without one, final, and last request. i believe this is how my protector, my dire-wolf LADY came to be. i used to think it was SO unfair that nana never got to meet lady in the beginning. it became clear to me the first time i was feeling anxious, & sad about something (so long ago, i couldn't tell you what it was about). when i feel that throbbing twitch through both of my cheeks, and the eyes start to swell up i know a good cry is necessary. i don't like to cry in front of others whatsoever. so, because the tear ducts are called upon with no control of my own in the least bit, i like to go somewhere private and just let it all run ... run til' it is completely dry.
well, lady was a part of my life now. i will never forget the first time she had been a witness to my suffering. it was unforgettable. through my eyes, it began to lay down the real foundation for us. drowning in the definition of us. it created a connection nothing could ever withstand; from that moment forward. let's just say: the tears didn't stand a chance of soaking up the pillows the way they once did now that queen bee was here & present. she did this progressive, yet strategic army-crawl: from the foot of the bed, slowly working her way towards my knees, then stomach, got close to my heart, then resided right by my face: making sure it was safe territory to be close to me. to really comfort me. it was like she KNEW me so well and how i chose to grieve: that i liked to be alone. she looked into my eyes, and wouldn't look away. she licked my tears. she let me hug her, and she hugged me back. i was able to let it all out. she loved me. she comforted me. she never judged me. and ever since, when the pain becomes tragedy and tragedy becomes deathly that animal is at attention and by my side immediately doing her job. man's best friend is quite the understatement for lady. her and i have been through so much together over the last (almost) 7 years.
as i sit and write this i almost can't believe she is approaching 7. i literally have tricked my brain into believing that she will live to be 25, maybe even 30. my family entertains me by agreeing with me because they don't want me to have a major meltdown: finally ending up in that straight jacket + padded room = once the reality of lady's aging truly sinks in. yep: crazy. but seriously; i think deep down they are all praying that maybe, just maybe i could be right on this one. with lots of prayers, positive thoughts, manifestations and MAGIC SPELLS! come on! even i know she won't live that long. i tell chris all the time, that when that horrid day does come there is one solution, and one solution only: we will be mummifying her. yep, totally serious. it freaks him out. it even freaks me out. but we're both like, "well of course. that's what we would have to do, right?". chris said it best the other day when we were walking: "katie, lady has touched every single person that has ever met her in a very special way. she's unique. there isn't one person that doesn't love her, or obsess over her." he's so right, and if you really know "the ladybug" then you feel this. this hits you. NOW: lady and the thought of her dying is the LAST THING ON MY MIND when i think of her. it's the last thing on my mind when i am around her, when i'm looking into those big, brown eyes, when we're playing/goofing off (this is mainly uncle greg's job/special bond with her though), and MOST IMPORTANTLY when we are snuggling & sharing six packs of kiiiisses. but after what happened a few days ago... my brain began ticking. the whole ordeal. it was telekinesis baby.
a few days ago chris, mom, lady bug, and myself decided we were going to go on this easy TO moderate hike before dinner. greg and chris had done this one themselves before, so piece-of-cake. get in, sweat, get out. i love christopher so much for his "little blonde moments" he has (daily, might i add). i can say this without him hating me because he honest-to-god: is one of the smartest people i have ever met. & i know some VERY well educated people. the "sharp smarts" just come natural to christopher mayville though. he is brilliant. HOWEVER - yesterday he kinda "blondied" it on where the hiking trail began. we pulled over, parked, and were on our way to a nice, & relaxing workout: so-we-thought. now we're a very active family, constantly doing indoor and outdoor sports/activities. back in california when we would venture for a hike lady was off the leash #no #questions #asked. she's a well trained pup, & i mean it! (smartie pants mayville spent months and months training with her, etc.) lady will never stray more than ten feet ahead of you. just walking up the driveway she stops when it's past that ten foot mark! she will always stop.. turn.. look at you and say "don't worry i'll wait for you to catch up! i must protect you!". well today it was my call. i made the executive decision. and totally not thinking clearly; about where we were i said - "yeah sure, let bugga off the leash". we're all walking and i'm listening: step, pine cone cracks, step, step, branch breaks, step, step, then... A MAYVILLE YELPS: OH SHIT!!!!!! i look up. lady is a good 20 feet ahead of me, chris about 10 and i have no idea what's going on at first. dazed&confused was my first and last name, the entire crest inked on my back for all i flippin' knew at this point. WHAT THE FCUK IS GOING ON?!?! and then, i came to. i saw it. a bear. not a grizz. but a big, black bear. and lady is running. fast. right towards it. she's going after it to protect us. and chris is going after her. we're all screaming - telling her to stop. i knew that me joining in the chase would DO NOTHING. finally, i began to shake and started to realize that this could be it: lady may not stop. this will kill her. chris will fight. this will kill me. this will kill ALL of us. i drop to my knees, and in complete & utter desperation i BLATANTLY BEG lady to stop: through my voice but mainly through my mind. i look up and can't believe it. it worked. she slowed down. paws sliding through the leaves and branches into a lifeless, horizontal positioned tree stump; like a 3rd baseman sliding into home plate. DEAD STOP. her instinct. her intuition. her gut. we all spoke to her. through our voices, & our minds; that very unique and special bond. and she got it. she sensed it. yeeeeah. telekinesis baby. on the way down the trail, after leashing lady back up, popping k-pins like they're skittles: we all spotted a very, LARGE elk skull attached to the poor fellers boney & meatless rib-cage. interesting: didn't see that on the way up. today we saw our second bear. although this one, was a cub. i liked him. he was little, and not putting my baby, family, or mental health in danger.
lady is a gift from a higher power. a gift from the true to this life guardian angels that are rooting for little "miss-mae" (as auntie dovey named me). SKY HIGH in the BUILDING titled: heaven ^ LEVEL named: inevitable & UNIT dubbed: you never know til you know :) i admittedly believe that lady helped in choosing chris for me. she fell in love with him before even i did. she saw something i didn't see right away. yeah, chris was always sexy, & hot and we had great chemistry, etc. but i never understood why she was SO obsessed with him for so many years while we were good friends. but then one night almost three years ago friendship turned the corner hitting each and every speed bump that follows: lust, like, hurt, like a lot, love, holy fuck i am madly in love, scary, safe, hardships, pain, rock bottom, survival, hard work, but still SO in love.
lady doesn't just plan, she PLOTS. just like another someone i know. i used to resent mama nana for "letting go". leaving me when i needed her more than ever. not telling anyone she was choosing death, until the deal was sealed and there was no going back. it was already too late. i don't resent her anymore because over the years wisdom has beaten on my soul like sun rays beat on a glistening lake. i get that it was her time. like the ruby, red slippers nana would buy me EVERY christmas: she found her pair, clicked her heels three times flawlessly (i mean, dorothy was jealous), closed her eyes, and said "there's no place like home". this is how i picture her now: dancing in heaven with papa, mama lovey, uncle steve, diana scott, and of course big chivas, little chivas, sammy, & amber. mama nana & her soul: clever & classy. i hope & i pray CONSTANTLY, that i am growing into a person that somewhat parallels you & papa, my sweetest nana banana.
the shoes were always the most important with mama nana, so i DO imagine she has the best walk-in closet ever: and the shoe section puts mariah's to SHAME. i'd be willing to bet you my last bottom dollar that there... in that closet... exists a small, glass shoe case; centering the entire, majestic walk-in. & this little cube holds the most beautiful, vintage, incandescent stiletto's ever: some razzalicious ruby-red's. there resides: those sparkling, tap dancin' heels that finally brought my nana & my ladybug both: home.

August 14, 2011

blunts & blood

it's official. for now though, that remains top secret & classified. soon enough my little bats, soon enough. today was challenging. yes, yes. today: we tried to roll the "perfect blunt". things were sticky, real sticky. it looked good in the beginning, and smelt SO enticing and rewarding. sticky, sticky greenery be slummin' in seattle on this fine sunday morning. the california sun followed us, briefly. i knew it would. even if for a short period of time. is that a sign? some cali sun MUST mean time for some cali bud. but boy, was i wrong. we just continued to struggle. mary jane was getting fiesty as EVER as we continuously tried to tuck her into her paper laced grave. she put up a good fight; constantly ripping our good ol' sweet swishaaaa. if at any moment in time we thought we had made some progress, it ALWAYS ended the same as the attempt prior to that one: LICKITY SPLIT. 5 packs of grapes later and: the ultimate blunt bleezy was completed. perfected. but no one reeeeally wanted a hit. all the hard work today and we still kept swaying between YES or NO. we continuously bit our tounges, but NEVER stopped licking our lips. we were, deep down, just WAITING to pounce. all it takes is one person's thoughts passed on through the game of telephone: "after all the other massive hits we endured today, this could be the ANSWER TO OUR PRAYERS. mary jane, our one true love, finally gave in. so fuck it, why not? why can't we? it will feel good. i mean, maybe. let's risk it - no matter what happens. no matter who, or what gets hurt". it felt good in the moment, with each inhale & exhale.
steadily using all five senses to trick the brain into believing the whole experience of "venting" was more than it really was. i can't speak for the others; but for me - it didn't feel good. it didn't change SHIT. my body hurt, my head was already throbbing from earlier & now my brain literally felt like it was being drained by rambo's fate: the blood-sucking leeches. the gang all decided to head to the hotel. nap time! not me. i sat in the bed of my truck. let the sun beat on me for a bit. i felt awful. i had the worst, most depressing hangover EVER. this was no joke. NONE of us were speaking. silence. the pain of silence got so bad it became this insane piercing in my ear drums: then came ALL THE REAL LIFE SCREAMING. i was constantly vacillating between which i preferred - privy to the other. the arguing, or the silence? note to self: i'll walk away from silence monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, AND mother fuckin' sunday. SILENT TREATMENT = my real-life TORTURE. i let that train run through those damn tracks in my brain again. this time for awhile. it got waaaaay too heavy. tried picking up my bible. that didn't even help. i thought: ok, maybe a nap is EXACTLY what i need. some meditation. i need to gain some clarity, get centered. i'll go up to the room, and get settled in. it will help. i slowly gathered my things from the car, so wounded, completely crushed, and acting self righteous venting out loud to myself on this dreary day. i stop, look around, and realize that i am in an empty parking lot. who am i talking to? what am i doing? there's that torture again. the silence. as i grab my last bag, i notice a lady bug sitting on my lavender clutch. she's not moving. i go to pick her up, so she can fly away and be free. as i pick her up, she moves but doesn't fly. one of her wings is shattered. in that moment everything became clear to me. i reminisced again about the blunt, the screaming, the tongue, the silence, the bruises: all the polemic events of the day; my baby blues were beginning to see things differently. correctly. i carried miss lady bug over to the most beautiful tree i could find, and set her down under it. it took her a few seconds, but she started moving around. i was sad, yet hopeful for her. i wondered: will she ever fly again? or is she crippled for the rest of her life? will breaking her wing eventually kill her and all that beauty that engulfs her? i wanted to cry for her. as i walked towards the hotel doors, there was no more silence. no screaming. AND no downbound train running through those train tracks in my head. every sultry color of the rainbow became vivid to me. at any moment, we can break a wing & become a cripple for the rest of our life. one day we may slip and fall; and the only thing waiting for us is the afterlife. but the loved ones we leave behind, are only left with the memories. we must make sure that they are uplifting ones, especially in those final moments. that's enough for me to want to live every SINGLE day as though it is my last. life is too short. and this is the only one we get. best do it right boys & girls. life throws you curves, but you always learn to swerve. we help those in need. we remain loyal to our family & friends. we love them. we respect them. we listen to them. if we don't agree with them, we try to understand them. & when necessary (always), we bite our tongue. we bite until it bleeds, and bleeds some more. we REFRAIN from licking our lips; anxiously waiting to spit back and attack with our venom. yeah, it really was sticky terrain today, but so what? this family made it, like we always do. hey you learn something new every fucking day; or you're reminded of the things you already knew but had just forgotten about. i realize now, that... the perfect blunt doesn't always have to burn straight ♥

August 12, 2011

wyatt earp taught me a thing, or two

i made some big steps this week. forgiveness, in my opinion, is one of the hardest things in the world to do. to REALLY forgive someone, takes a lot of strength. majority of people don't really understand the concept and/or meaning of TRUE forgiveness. you just don't get it, until you actually do it & then you're like "ahhhh i get it. this what it is and it feels SO GOOD!" my definition is as follows: never forgetting, sincerely forgiving & embracing those that have caused the pain & suffering. what we don't realize is that by doing this we are releasing OURSELVES from self imprisonment. SHACKLES caused by our own confusion and bitterness. not a very fun ride to be on. almost always this is triggered by our perception of some sort of "backstabbing", or betrayal from a loved one. this is the lesson: we have to learn to really drink down that pride of ours. do your homework. go for that 5 mile, uphill run. put in the REAL, HARD work: all the blood, sweat & tears you've got! once you can attain this - only then will you find the key to your shackles. and let me tell you something; it will feel remarkable. a healthy relationship, whether it be a friend, lover or brother is painted vividly to me as a stunning, purple lace mink fox fur coat. whether vintage, or fresh & new it's priceless to you. you can build any sort of classic style with this coat alone, breaking necks and turning heads everywhere you go. it goes with ANYTHING.
when one of us decides to neglect that relationship, we are left with a: fashion statement suicide.
neglect [ni-glekt]: verb
1. to pay no attention or too little attention to; disregard
2. to be remiss in the care or treatment of
now, there really isn't anything erotic or enticing about the word "neglect". even if you didn't know the meaning of it - i'd like to think that most human absorption upon hearing this word would be "sounds bad". i'd also like to believe that we live in a somewhat knowledgeable and educated society, and just choose to make poor decisions. maybe sometimes we just don't fully comprehend just how bad the outcome may be. my instinct tells me though that somewhere, deep down, we can feel that it isn't right. however, we move forward with our decisions anyways, full-throttle. we are a selfish, and judgmental society. we can't help it. we were born to be sinners. it's a choice we make. we live by the choices of our inner sinner as well as our honor-bearing hearts. talk about living in a home built on a VERY large spectrum. the scales can never be too heavy on one side; there must be balance. without proper balance, we become addicted to too much of one thing. eventually, almost always: we overdose. it's your real life dark humor. you can't even retrace your steps to figure this whole thing out. at this point, you're wishing you were hansel and/or gretel: leaving a trail of breadcrumbs to get yourself back. oh, fairy tails. sigh.
why is it we don't get IT until we LIVE IT? we're always the damsel in distress - never the brave warrior, or hero - like wyatt earp in the non-fictional, historical story. it's your life. your story. your CHOICE. this is your time to write something real. are you a cowboy or indian? a friend or foe? king or slave? rich or poor? will you walk into the light or burn in the dark? do you choose life, or death? 77 days of sobriety today, and i feel damn proud. "time to rise again & time to fly" is written all over the pages of my story, in my blood. a constant theme that will forever be embedded in my life. one i am proud to have earned. this is life. this is living.
christopher and i enjoyed a 10 mile walk yesterday. i just loved how he matched with the tower as we were walking over the bridge. oh no, wait! i actually just love how he matches with me ♥

August 9, 2011

she walks the line

i hate the bugs & the bees. it's so true, all 8 different species of bees here can sense fear. and the bugs, well they just feed off the "i'm annoyed energy" you continue to omit. but, i won't change and neither will they so we are learning to co-exist with one another. lady is hilarious to watch on the deck. she thrashes her body from left to right, front to back - like a shark in the water attacking it's prey - and she gets those sons of bitches buzzzin' all up in her grill. if only i liked extra protein in my diet, i could maybe do the same. mmmm - oh so yummy. gummie bees & bugs!
but seriously. i have been enlightened by how real cowboys do therapy. i can see myself finally taking the bandages off the deep wounds, exposing air to each one so they can finally close up. the source within me is dealing with every fear, addiction, loss, tragedy, struggle, pain, death, & loss of love. you name whatever crime scene from my past that you want; it has been brought to my attention with every sunrise or sunset. every day has become a different day of healing. one for each page, chapter, or book in my life. out here: you can saddle up on one of the horses and ride. this is one of my favorite forms of healing. i get my laughs by chasing after lady who is always doing something silly. running after the ranch turkey named gizmo. trying to keep up with mama deer and her two bambi, but slams her body into the electrical fence that keep the horses in. she was stunned for a good two days. and lastly, she learned her lesson about running up behind the beautiful black beauty, Midnight. getting bucked through the field made her my "rehabilitation companion" when recovering from surgery. you can get a fabulous tan on the hot days & listen to God do some of His best bowling on the cold and rainy day. hike and walk everyday to some of the most beautiful places in the WORLD. not to mention, unloading the barrel of a gun - no matter what size it is feels MUCH better than punching and/or screaming into a pillow. trust me. i've become addicted. i miss the city though, and am so looking forward to becoming "sleepless in seattle" next week. finally going to see my beautiful mama. it's a special occasion: the entire family will be there, including uncle jarrod. give me just one night on the town to get it all out of my system. i will be DYING to come back to terabithia after the hangover i have penciled in for us all in my day-timer. i feel like i've become a woman of the land. yes, this princess is rough doggin' it all day, everyday. they say there's a fine line between love & hate; and i walk the line here constantly. but it's in my nature. no matter where the wind blows me i will probably always walk the line, and at the very least tap my foot over it. because, well. i stand a firm believer in this statement: well behaved women rarely make history.

August 7, 2011

what separates the men from the kings?

was reading my bible today in my room because for some odd reason out of no where i felt overwhelmed with grief and sadness. sadness may even be an understatement. i felt dead. so i am HEAVILY praying & meditating with my bible. i wanted to highlight a few things, but SURPRISE SURPRISE - couldn't find one ANYWHERE (hmm, wonder what snake did that?). i knew satan was clearly attacking me, and i know exactly why. so, a total mess & at the mercy of God, i reached for a light shade of lipstick & highlighted a few things. think it's a sin? all i know is, i put some of that lipstick on after, laughed a little, and kept reading. divine intervention was present. no matter what, we will always be attacked. when life is good especially. no when like if GREAT. you're feeling good, you're looking HOT, you & the man are doing really well - he's actually talking ENGAGEMENT & saying he wants to go ring shopping sometime next week, you and the family are living completely in harmony, and the money just won't stop flowing into your bank account lately. you and God are even close. it feels SO good. before bed that night you look in the mirror, wink at yourself, and say "yeah, you tha man!" next morning you wake up, and you look around you. you're not in your fluffy cloud of a bed. you're laying on.. railroad tracks. you haven't even had enough time to fully grasp what is going on around you. the fact that a train is coming. it's coming down those tracks, and it's coming fast. it's coming for YOU. doesn't matter though, you can't change destiny. you're blindsided. you wonder how you are even still in-tact after a hit like that? but like any soldier, you get up, wipe off the dirt & the blood from your face. you stare at the train as it continues down the tracks, like nothing has even happened. all of a sudden you can't believe your eyes. no way, it can't be. standing at the very back of the train is every positive thing going on in your life. your family is enraged with you - you can actually see them yelling at you from a distance. you can see a massive computer screen & it's a visual of your bank account. guess what? it's negative. real overdrawn; you can't even imagine how it got that way. AND WAIT! what is that on top of the last caboose? yep, the car was repossessed too. finally, your man has left you. he won't look at you though. his back is actually turned towards you; but you know every inch of him, even his back. he's holding a ring that is so beautiful even from a distance you can see it glistening. you try to run, but you fall. the hit was worst than you thought. you look down, and all you can see is a bloody river of RED. it hurts. you want to just give up. everything appears as though it is not within reach. but how can you ever become something more than what you already are without proving your courage, honor, and integrity? how can your heart and soul grow without ever putting up a fight for what you believe in? so, you tell me. what separates the men from the kings?