March 28, 2015

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October 25, 2014

slaughter house

and then i saw it.
one day, everything just felt different.
no, no it didn't feel different. it WAS different.
i think that's how it happens.
change, you know?
you wake up one day, and the things that once seemed to bring you happiness - well, they just no longer do.
and you can't really explain it.
sometimes, it's a profound moment that can bring you there.
and sometimes, it's just a series of small, minuscule things that accumulate over the course of time - changes so small, that when looked at under the microscope as a single organism: one can barely notice it's significance.
however, these small changes when chained together? well my darling, now that's just brilliant.
MY CHAINS. DON'T TOUCH MY CHAINS.

and you see, that's the tricky part of life - we're constantly shifting between
the wants and the needs
and the do's and the don'ts
and the this's and the that's,
and oh for the love of god: ALL THE how's and THE why's and THE where's and THE when's -
but we never just stop for a moment, to look around and think: hey, maybe this just isn't FOR me anymore?
nope. yep. i'm done. ready to cross this chapter off my to-do list.
NEXT!

i think it's the pain.
yeah, it's definitely the pain that takes you to the good places.
it's the unbearable, excruciating, stubborn pain that we burrow deep inside those dark caves within ourselves.
it's simple though.
in order to move forward, we must explore these caves.
note: this isn't science, but it should be considered so.
the ONLY way to move forward is THROUGH the darkest of places.
yes, i'm talking about the pain that digs into our flesh like a scalpel. and it doesn't end there.
we need to be patient enough to just let it all drain, once we break through.
this takes time. and it takes tenacity. 
OBSESSIVE, RELENTLESS TENACITY.
to hang oneself for exposure, is never an easy thing.
nonetheless: we need to dig, and we need to drain.
fresh flesh, is always the best flesh.

that's what's beautiful about being the creator, of your own creation: at any point in time, you can change course, if you truly want to.

it takes a brave person to know themselves.
to show themselves.
and to be themselves.

success is not easy. 
but, it's fucking worth it.
this is life.
welcome to the slaughter house.

© by the gypsies travels

October 24, 2013

first-class heartbreak: spray-painted roses

dear lover,

the truth is, the truth hurts.

why can't i forget you?

was it easy to forget me?

if i learn to hate, will that help me be more like you?

are you happy moving forward without me?

or maybe i just hate me. for hurting someone like you.

yeah. that's it. i've learned to hate me over this whole thing.

and i can't get past the guilt.

and i live everyday in regret.

i just want you to help me.

i want you to fix that thing i ripped open inside me.

i want you to make it better.

i want you to tell me it's going to be okay.

i want you to want to want me.

i want you to not hate me.

i want you to love me again.

after you left, the only thing that was left standing there was, me.

alone.

in an empty labyrinth.

with all my sins painted perfectly on easels and dark, wrap-around walls.

the pain of feeling and existing became unbearable.

the truth of what i had done ached in places that at one time: grew beautiful, black, white & red roses.

i looked to my left. then, to my right.

to my right, stood a sign that read "TRUTHS & PAINS"

to my left, stood a sign that read "BOYS, POISON & GAMES"

in that moment: i hated you. for leaving me there in that place, alone.

so i went left. just to HURT you.

centuries later, i crawled my way to the end of that labyrinth.

and there stood a sign that read: "NOW ARE YOU READY? TRUTHS, ACHES & PAINS AWAIT MISS MAE!"

i just wanted you to help me.

i wanted you to fix that thing i ripped open inside me.

i wanted you to make it better.

i wanted you to tell me it would be okay.

i wanted you to want to want me.

i wanted you to not hate me.

i wanted you to love me again.

i realize now, despite the damage i caused you STILL did help me.
you tried to fix what you could.
you never stopped telling me it would be okay.
you did not hate me.
and even though it isn't the love i wish i could get back from you,
you never stopped showing me love.
especially when you knew i was the most lost.

awareness brought me to these uncomfortable, yet familiar facts.

all along..

i needed me to help me.

i needed to fix that thing i ripped open inside me.

i needed to make it better.

i needed to want to want me.

i needed to no longer hate me.

i needed to forgive me.

i needed to love me again.

i learned something valuable through this (my first, ever documented REGRET)
forgiveness is the most important thing in life.
forgiveness of self.
forgiveness of others.

i didn't get what i wanted. but i guess, i got what i needed.

someday - i will learn to be okay with that.

someday - i will look your way, and i hope: feel impartial.

they say time heals all. and i surrender everything i've got.

i'm not perfect. just a work in progress.

and, so:
this is the end of the story.


© by the gypsies travels

November 26, 2012

read between the lines: a maniac's mind

breathe in. yes. now release.
one more time. hold it in.
oh my - look down / 
that's some real raw pipe melt..
everything is back
tv-screen-music-video S C E N E
dance & envision the deep rooted dream 
under rainbows of pink, orange, blue, & green
outline your thoughts: 
catch every single silhouette
ever so present as i escape _ to the next episode
somehow locked in a vault of my own paralyzed trans
still.. i can feel the magic as i let it seep through these fingers
life, LOVE$ and INSPIRATION: 
share all my cherished abc's &  123's

rise to crescendo / eradicating all bones ...now left dismembered
barking & kissing & then somehow slip knot disappearing
what a plethora of instruments you use to light up your face
remind me again: was it the turtle or the hare 
that won the final race? 

guess i? _caught a case 
of that labyrinth linger
lustful leaps and yet i still wonder 
 what happened to all the love?
re-create everything for..d). all of the above



now. . .
alice stands over a sink
and everything starts to 
s h r i n k 
darkness & spite now shifts to a place of solo white
pulling me in as i'm blinded.. by some sort of light?
room to room, top pulled back - 
are you really present through this walk?
so i begin to paint each&every thought on the wall
as i stare at the clocks towards the end of the hall
was it eat me? or drink me? how & when did i grow so tall?
my tiger stripes align within me
so you tell me - what is left for me to do
let it buzz? let it brew?
witches cauldron / move forward - let it stew
....thought #3, 122: patience is a virtue
oh please do tell - what's it like with a girl like me?
nothing is EVER what it seems to be

the inner animal somehow turns lethal on the brain
pounding habitual strikes - releasing all the pain
these eyes are the window to my soul: remember that, as i try to comprehend my roll
i need to know what the fuck is mine in this staggering stretch of time
puzzles puzzles puzzles / ah! more puzzles
domineering set mind-muzzles
riddle me this & it's just like that
hands to chests, intertwined & wire tangled
bullet proof vests left to rott on the floor
only love can heal the broken barrel
open game minded 
at this time 
and in this place
i'll go ahead and just say it . . .
"hello: welcome back to the preface "


(keep the mind & the music palette SUPER FRESH 
with this adventure club remix /crave you 
oh, & the dancing is some dope iiiish too!! xo)


© by the gypsies travels

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