i sit and i stare blankly at the pages. i try to focus, but i just can't. am i losing my touch? doubt percolates through me like never before. if there is one thing that i have always openly admitted to others, and to myself it is this: my brain, from a visual concept, is one, constant, twacked-out L I G H T S H O W. the old, try and catch me if you can sort of thing.
everyday i'm faced with this game of scrabble. stuck on repeat, rewind, fast forward, etc. unfortunately the mute button never seems to grace me with a moments peace. those blocks of letters stack up by the millisecond and somehow i process things twice as quickly - creating things that even i don't understand at times. i find myself having to, i kid you not, use mathematical formulas to break down whatever inner psychosis i'm trying to process in that very quick and passing moment.
my journal patterns are as follows lately; gorgeous + sloppy, tear soaked pages containing minimal structured sentences. they are however, overpopulated with words, doodles, and thoughts that jump all over the place. metaphorically speaking, if one were to glance over my cursive creativity it would go a little something like this: one moment you would probably feel like you're in paris. relaxing. enjoying that cigarette. the wine. the bread. the music. next thing you know you're thrown into war trenches somewhere on a complete separate, god-forsaken island. i pity those who will someday inherit my beloved books, because good luck, and i apologize in advance for the nightmares.
here we go. so, (minus my introspection on my more private, therapeutic writings) in recent news, i must say that i am thrilled with how i havefinally! come to an agreement with personal acceptance. you know: embracing fully, the-who that i have become. i carry no shame. i really DO continue to surprise myself.
sidenote: (people) really over-abuse that statement by the way. i know because i was one of them.
i love every thought, voice, vision, feeling, and sense that comes and knocks on my door. i'm finally free fallin'. and baby, it's better than any high i've ever tried chasing.
catching my breath. the words begin to strategize within. upon each day, i take one more self-assertive step. i make sure i always feel free. i exercise my indepenence. i never miss an opportunity to rattle the flame of faith that simply just won't give up on me. sweetheart stranger, you wouldn't even recognize me if you met me today. although i never believed it possible: stranger is truly all that you have become to me now.
sometimes the writing just isn't there. but there is always a song, that can bring the emotion to the surface. & just for a moment the hopeless can maybe find some hope. at least for the time being. . .
two things.
1. this is another TOP-OF-THE-LIST favorite for me. not only is this song so positive and uplifting, but musically; it's just plain-old DOPE AS A MOTHER FU*K@R. in my opinion, an incredible compilation including so many different genres. euro pop, electronic house music, some of that sultry r&B, as well as some subtle, yet sexy reggae tones up in there. i find myself dancing all day, everyday no matter where i am or what i am doing however, this puts me into my straight up "swagger-seizure" mode. yeah. that's right. thuuuug life.
2. the video ups the ante for me. it's real, raw, diverse, funny, goofy, and you can vividly see culture: it's LIFE!!!! what a beautiful life. dance, smile, sing, laugh, goof-off, fist pump (pretty important one), bang your head to the beat, etCetera/etCetera and just: love your inner self. love your inner self with healthy confidence, and all you WILL see is beauty everywhere you go...
...K.MAE.:
"i'm thinking that
the word, "judge"
will rarely cross your mind
if/when you can attain that."
C.B.:
"let the love inside"
happy dancing, happy singing, happy living & happy dreaming. i'm off for a late night run with the hunnie & pup. x's & o's,
the travels
p.s. really beginning to love my new home here in seattle but i MISS HOME. the good old 1904. february. we're comin'.
