October 25, 2014

slaughter house

and then i saw it.
one day, everything just felt different.
no, no it didn't feel different. it WAS different.
i think that's how it happens.
change, you know?
you wake up one day, and the things that once seemed to bring you happiness - well, they just no longer do.
and you can't really explain it.
sometimes, it's a profound moment that can bring you there.
and sometimes, it's just a series of small, minuscule things that accumulate over the course of time - changes so small, that when looked at under the microscope as a single organism: one can barely notice it's significance.
however, these small changes when chained together? well my darling, now that's just brilliant.

and you see, that's the tricky part of life - we're constantly shifting between
the wants and the needs
and the do's and the don'ts
and the this's and the that's,
and oh for the love of god: ALL THE how's and THE why's and THE where's and THE when's -
but we never just stop for a moment, to look around and think: hey, maybe this just isn't FOR me anymore?
nope. yep. i'm done. ready to cross this chapter off my to-do list.

i think it's the pain.
yeah, it's definitely the pain that takes you to the good places.
it's the unbearable, excruciating, stubborn pain that we burrow deep inside those dark caves within ourselves.
it's simple though.
in order to move forward, we must explore these caves.
note: this isn't science, but it should be considered so.
the ONLY way to move forward is THROUGH the darkest of places.
yes, i'm talking about the pain that digs into our flesh like a scalpel. and it doesn't end there.
we need to be patient enough to just let it all drain, once we break through.
this takes time. and it takes tenacity. 
to hang oneself for exposure, is never an easy thing.
nonetheless: we need to dig, and we need to drain.
fresh flesh, is always the best flesh.

that's what's beautiful about being the creator, of your own creation: at any point in time, you can change course, if you truly want to.

it takes a brave person to know themselves.
to show themselves.
and to be themselves.

success is not easy. 
but, it's fucking worth it.
this is life.
welcome to the slaughter house.

© by the gypsies travels

December 1, 2013

the hands of reapers cradle ticking numbers

today i woke up screaming fuck the world.
a conceited soul + with venom on my tounge = yeah. that's me right now.
i guess i'm busting myself open again.
when i am this bottled up, and silent:
it IS the verge of pure refulgence being birthed.
creepy: how very aware of myself i am becoming these days.
even creepier: how creepy & weird, it turns out: i really am. :) 
(note to se/lf: that little smile felt good)
what to do? when the words just won't suffice. sigh.
one thing i am so grateful for in times like this: 
the fact that no one can rob me of my dreams. 
when i feel empty, drained, hollow, and so alone - 
my dreams fill me with hope, passion, blood, and emotion again. 
so for now, i'm going to lean. sing. and dream. 
this song + intense leaning = concrete evidence of my sizable dreams
© by the gypsies travels

October 24, 2013

first-class heartbreak: spray-painted roses

dear lover,

the truth is, the truth hurts.

why can't i forget you?

was it easy to forget me?

if i learn to hate, will that help me be more like you?

are you happy moving forward without me?

or maybe i just hate me. for hurting someone like you.

yeah. that's it. i've learned to hate me over this whole thing.

and i can't get past the guilt.

and i live everyday in regret.

i just want you to help me.

i want you to fix that thing i ripped open inside me.

i want you to make it better.

i want you to tell me it's going to be okay.

i want you to want to want me.

i want you to not hate me.

i want you to love me again.

after you left, the only thing that was left standing there was, me.


in an empty labyrinth.

with all my sins painted perfectly on easels and dark, wrap-around walls.

the pain of feeling and existing became unbearable.

the truth of what i had done ached in places that at one time: grew beautiful, black, white & red roses.

i looked to my left. then, to my right.

to my right, stood a sign that read "TRUTHS & PAINS"

to my left, stood a sign that read "BOYS, POISON & GAMES"

in that moment: i hated you. for leaving me there in that place, alone.

so i went left. just to HURT you.

centuries later, i crawled my way to the end of that labyrinth.

and there stood a sign that read: "NOW ARE YOU READY? TRUTHS, ACHES & PAINS AWAIT MISS MAE!"

i just wanted you to help me.

i wanted you to fix that thing i ripped open inside me.

i wanted you to make it better.

i wanted you to tell me it would be okay.

i wanted you to want to want me.

i wanted you to not hate me.

i wanted you to love me again.

i realize now, despite the damage i caused you STILL did help me.
you tried to fix what you could.
you never stopped telling me it would be okay.
you did not hate me.
and even though it isn't the love i wish i could get back from you,
you never stopped showing me love.
especially when you knew i was the most lost.

awareness brought me to these uncomfortable, yet familiar facts.

all along..

i needed me to help me.

i needed to fix that thing i ripped open inside me.

i needed to make it better.

i needed to want to want me.

i needed to no longer hate me.

i needed to forgive me.

i needed to love me again.

i learned something valuable through this (my first, ever documented REGRET)
forgiveness is the most important thing in life.
forgiveness of self.
forgiveness of others.

i didn't get what i wanted. but i guess, i got what i needed.

someday - i will learn to be okay with that.

someday - i will look your way, and i hope: feel impartial.

they say time heals all. and i surrender everything i've got.

i'm not perfect. just a work in progress.

and, so:
this is the end of the story.

© by the gypsies travels

July 26, 2013

fuck the transition: i'm already in it

today's to-do list:
1. repeat in head & say out loud: 
i'm a bad bitch, i'm a boss bitch
2. DO NOT for ONE SECOND, give a FUCK!
3. repeat number one
4. keep making lists
5. use magic, at least once today

© by the gypsies travels

July 22, 2013

the integration of blessings & burdens

i am eve.
in a garden full of serpents.
& abundant apple trees.

an apple a day 
keeps the doctor away
. . . so  t h e y  say
as i see it:
it's a regressive surrender 
to the infiltration of poison 
into each and every strain
of one's colorful, sophisticated & exuberant 
piece of the trifecta we call the: B R A I N 

these days, i live off the land & the love, avoiding the apples.
i choose to sit in silence with the serpents as they slither and course through every inch of me.
(M I N D + B O D Y / S O U L}
for each hiss, i plot a gentle kiss.
& i always spit such sweet, soft melodies their way:
"no. no, thank you. not today my succulent and vile dragon friends."

don't you know?
i'm queen of this game. 
& i like a good blend of balance:
i stay down for the cause, 
i stay up for the transition, 
(but above ALL i always make sure) 
i stay fucking READY

© by the gypsies travels

June 29, 2013

back pockets + white bandanas

it's official. lady & i are on the run again. hittin the streets so mean. not going to lie - i'm filled with a mixture of emotions today as the reality of it sets in. but as always, it's time to move on...

the beginning of the end. in one week we will be settled in yet, another state of the beautiful USA. it will mark my one year anniversary of coming home last year from seattle, washington. my, oh my! how appropriate and kind of you to show up just in the knick of time__ IR-ONY, you dear - ol' PAL!

as i reminisce on my past twelve months here in san diego i can't help but break out into some good old sarcastic-self laughter. it feels like a movie sometimes. hey, maybe it is a movie! all i know is:
i'm harboring a broken heart
still, there is hope for me - because as broken as it may be:
it beats and burns with a brightness i have never known. 
or maybe i have / just a once forgotten beat. 
deep inside i have this yearn to learn and divulge - dig deeper into things. as my finger tips hit the keyboard, i sit and wonder in awe - what manifestations are in store? the mystery keeps me going.. as i walk into the future: lady to my left & all the weaponry one could need to my right. i look ahead and although it is dark - there is plenty of light surrounding me. i tell myself on the daily:


if i could feel what i felt - once again, from way back when - then that is something worth SLAMMING THE FUCK INTO along the way again! it must be possible. 
I WILL all the possibilities into my existence. 
because, i want to feel alive again - yet, in this state of being i currently exist in. 
whatever, that may be.

confused? i know i am. 
fuck it. one thing i'll always live for: 
my inner drive to reach the top 
perched next to: 
the music
goodnight comrades. stay up - g'd up /from the feet up

© by the gypsies travels